How to: Grow Your Own Hazel – From The Funny Mom Blog Archives

Every now and then I like sharing The Funny Mom Blog archive posts with you. My original blog, Sarcastic Funny and Brutally Honest (funnymommy.blogspot.com) morphed, split and changed into what this blog is today so it’s only fair to shed some light on the budding dorkery that it once was.

This post, which was originally published on January 28, 2009 was what my kind of humor was like 5 years ago. I’m sorry to say that my humor hasn’t changed much over the last 5 years. Here is a post that took me hours to craft, completely unedited and ready for you to…enjoy?

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I found this nifty little grow your own pet a couple of months ago. It is a grow your own hermit crab. And the hermit crab’s name is Hazel.

According to the package Hazel was lovingly sealed in:

“Hazel is very shy. With love and patience she will come out of her shell and become a great new pet.” (But, do I have to pick up your doo?)

“And Hazel grows 600% of her size!” (Holy Sh*t-we’re gonna have to move!)

Hazels says:

“I’m easy to care for!” (You’re not if I have to pick up your doo!)

“I don’t take up much space!” (But, I thought you grew 600% of your size?)

“I want to be your friend but I’m so shy. Will you take the time to get to know me?” (Absolutely! You’re my new best friend!)

“I”ll give you hours of enjoyment!” (Yippee-you’re what I’ve always dreamed of…)

and last but certainly not least-

“At first, I won’t want to come out of my shell, but in a few days I’ll be ready to come out and play.” (Can we play ‘lets wash the dishes and scrub the toilet?’)

Wouldn’t it be totally rad to have a job marketing this kind of inspirational material? Don’t you think the people (or person) that came up with these sayings just sat there and totally enjoyed themselves?

Located on the back of the packaging are the instructions on how to grow your own pet:

1. place your grow item in room temperature water.

and that’s it.

It will begin to grow within 2 hours and will be full size in 72 hours. When removed from water it will slowly shrink back to its original size. Your grow item can be grown again and again!! (You know, in case you didn’t get enough the first time…)

For Entertainment Purposes Only. Not for CONSUMPTION.

This is one of those things that just gives my life purpose. I hope you find it just as enjoyable as I do…

Here are some pictures (so far) of Hazel:

Before Hazel moved in:

Here she is!

She’s all settled and ready for action!

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I hope you enjoyed yet another The Funny Mom Blog classic blog posts. Stay tuned for more!

Comments

Kim Tracy Prince says

October 24, 2014 at 8:28 am

GAH! Where is the “AFTER” shot? I was so very moved by your impassioned use of colored text, but you seriously left me hanging, Archive Desiree.
- Desiree Eaglin says
  
  October 24, 2014 at 2:47 pm
  
  Haha! I know right? I don’t know why I didn’t follow through. I wasn’t well rehearsed in the ways of blogging I guess. Hazel did get really big, I wouldn’t say she got “600” times bigger though